Funeral Etiquette
Ben Franklin said, “in this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes”. Im not so sure about the latter anymore, but we all know, death is coming. So as much as we would like to avoid it, we will have to attend a few funerals as we travel along our life. Here are some tips to help make them less awkward.
What to Say
In my experience, the best thing to say is something you remember about the deceased. A funny or heart warming memory is always comforting to hear. “I remember when your mom used to take us for ice cream after school” Something to show the persons memory will live on. And if you didn’t know the deceased, “sending love your way” or “praying for your family” is a safe way to express your condolences.
2. What NOT to Say
While, “Im so sorry or so sorry for your loss” is acceptable, it made me cringe. Here are a few that are never a good idea.
“He is in a better place”
“The pain will get better in time”
“I know how you feel”
That last one seems ok, right? But comparing your pain to theirs isn’t appropriate. Same goes for saying something like, “when my mom died, xyz…..” Unless asked specifically about your experience, making it about you isn’t a good idea. If you dont know what to say, a smile, a hug and “Im here for you” is enough.
3. What to Wear
Black is the norm for Americans but its also ok to wear, dark colors like grey, navy blue or dark purple. Its not the time to be flashy so tasteful and classic is the way to go, unless told otherwise. Some people will request a theme or color pallet, but that will be laid out in the plans. Obviously no jeans or shorts. Think, Sunday best. If it is for a member of another nationality or religion, do some homework to see what is acceptable to wear.
4. What NOT to do
A quick google search can help you out if it is a religion you are unfamiliar with. For example, you are not supposed to send flowers to a Jewish funeral. Do not take pictures. Even if you are seeing family or friends you have not seen in years, it is in very bad taste to take photos or post on social media. Do not answer phone calls. Silence it and forget about it. Pay attention to the usher and where to sit (usually the first two rows are reserved). It is ok to bring kids, but just make sure you can step outside if need be and be mindful of their noise level.
5. How to Help
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so the best thing we can do for the people we love is to be there for them as they get through it their way. During the immediate grieving period, sending food or offering to take/pick up kids would be really helpful. Helping with chores around the house, grocery shopping, cooking meals, looking after the kids. Take action. Most people will be distraught and unable to direct you, so pick up the slack in areas you know they will need help in. From my experience, food was a huge help because the last thing I wanted to do was cook.
After the funeral, dont lose touch. Check in with them a few weeks after to make sure they are ok. Especially around the holidays. Ask them to grab lunch or a coffee, but dont harp on their loss. Let them lead the conversation. Sometimes it takes a little while for the loss to sink in and some people may still be struggling long after the funeral flowers have died.
We will all experience loss at some point in our lives and it’s the community around us that helps us through. Be the person you needed in those times and you won’t go wrong.